What I've learnt in recovery so far

I seriously contemplated writing this post, being so early on in recovery. However, there are some little things that I’ve learnt/am still learning along the way, which I thought might be useful to share for those on a similar path to my own.

Eating Disorder Awareness Week

I was once the girl who smothered her toast in butter and went back for seconds, and thirds, until she was full. I was the girl who ate cheesecake multiple times a week, whose favourite chocolate bar was a snickers, and who lunched on supernoodle sandwiches on many occasions. A girl who loved bacon sandwiches & wasn’t afraid to admit that she loved the occasional big mac. I was the girl that would get home from school on a Friday and spend the entire weekend lazing around in her comfies, without even contemplating moving. I was also the girl that loved all sorts of exercise from running, skiing, swimming and walks. The girl who loved fruit & vegetables as much as she loved chocolate and cheese.
My point being? I was balanced. The only time ‘guilt’ occurred in my life, was if I had said something without thinking or accidently let a door go on somebody.

Meet Ted

This weeks post is a very short one to introduce the newest addition to my family. Meet Ted, he is going to be appearing quite regular on the blog, my social media, in conversations-  everywhere basically! I’ve come to accept the fact that I’m going to be one of them annoying people who never stops talking about the pup – updating everyone when he sleeps through the night or does his first trick. But you know what, I’m proud to be a crazy dog lover.  So who is Ted? He’s a 9 week old Australian Labradoodle. He’s got through his first week in his brand new home and is settling in like a dream! Of course the next few weeks are going to be filled with toilet training, hiding slippers whilst we get through the teething process, first walks and most importantly long, snuggly naps together! I’ll be keeping you pupdated on the blog, but I can honestly say that I am already head over heels, madly in love with him, but I mean how could I not be!

For my future self...

From time to time we all lose motivation, it can happen for many reasons such as a bad mood, tiredness or that we just feel a bit crappy. In times like these, I’m a big believer in doing things for our future self, because even if our present self doesn’t appreciate them, the likelihood is our future self will. This started out as things like doing the dishes straight away, instead of early in the morning – even if doing them was the last thing I felt like, it allowed future Kirsty an extra 5 minutes in bed, which of course she’d be grateful for! Or sitting down to do an assignment, even if you’d rather be snuggled up watching that Netflix series you’ve been binge watching. You know that getting it done will save future you from a load of stress and sleepless nights trying to do it at the very last minute. You also know, that although it may feel pointless now, when you get whatever qualification it is that you’re working towards, you’ll be so glad you did the work. Future you will be proud!

What solo travel taught me

An entire year has passed since the day I left everything behind to pursue my dream of travelling to Australia. I can’t even begin to put in to words the nerves and excitement I felt! Australia was the place that I had dreamed of visiting for as long as I can remember, so February 2018 was the month that I stepped on a plane to begin my solo adventure. I spent just under three months travelling the east coast of Australia and exploring the beautiful beaches of Bali. My trip was filled with the most amazing experiences, however also came with facing a lot of challenges, overcoming obstacles and facing the unknown. I wouldn’t change a second of my travels, I feel so lucky to have had the opportunity to see the places I’ve seen, experience the amazing things I did and to meet the people that I would never have had the chance to otherwise. Most of all, I learnt a lot during my time away. Considering my travels feel a thousand miles away from my current circumstances, I thought it would be nice to reflect on all the things I discovered from my little adventure.

Mistaking Rest for Failure

We live in a world that thrives on productivity, getting things done and succeeding in all elements of life. A world where ‘settling’ is frowned upon. Many of us seem to work extremely hard to achieve a goal and then barely allow ourselves 5 minutes of pride, before jumping to the next goal. It’s almost impossible to relax, to live in the moment, to embrace exactly where we are.

We live in a world in which we proudly say ‘we’ve not stopped’ or ‘have been so busy’, yet shamefully mistake rest for laziness or failure. Are you someone that can relate? Welcome to the club, you’re not alone by any means! If you know me, or have been reading my blog for a while, you’ll know that I’m very big on to-do lists, exceeding goals, and basically just getting shit done! I never thought that there was such thing as ‘too busy’, but there is. I was. I kept my self so busy in fact, that I didn’t even realise just how unwell I had become.

Dealing with the January Diet Craze

January, the month that’s known as the calm after the storm, yet also the month that everyone is going at 100 miles per hour to follow the whole ‘new year, new me’ band wagon. It’s the month that the gyms get much busier and diet culture hits its peak as everyone is working towards ‘working Christmas off’. Everyone you talk to seems to be starting some new diet and discussing what they’ve decided to cut out, how many times they’re exercising , how much weight they’re losing and how much weight they want to lose! Of course, the media are also quick to fuel this band wagon meaning that tv and radio adverts are constantly promoting the latest diet craze, to help you to ‘become the best version of you’ or how good you can feel through losing weight. As an average person, being surrounded by this focus and talk of diets makes it pretty hard not to get sucked in and jump head first in to the whirlwind of comparisons and negative self-talk. So what does it mean for those who already have a difficult relationship with food? Those recovering from an eating disorder? Hard work – and that’s putting it very lightly.

Goals & Reflections

Considering January is whizzing by, I felt it was only right for this post to focus on the goals that I have for 2019. I’ve always been a person that thrives from setting goals. I think it can be so easy to fall in to a routine, for things to remain exactly the same & if you’re happy, there is absolutely nothing wrong with that! However, if you’re like me and find yourself day dreaming about what your life could look like, but nothing actually changing- then goals are the way forward. I love having things to aim towards and being mindful that I am taking steps to achieve them. Also, I’d be lying if I said I didn’t enjoy looking back at the end of the year and seeing how many of my resolutions I can tick off! So this year I especially wanted to make sure I make the most of the year and incorporate all the changes, trips and activities that I want to do.

A Year Absent From Blogging

‘Continue regular posts on my Instagram and blog’ (Kirsty, Dec 2017). Well, considering we are in January 2019 and it’s been approximately an entire year since my last blog post, I think we can safely say that, that particular resolution went well and truly out of the window!

So where have I been? Without going in to a whole load of detail, 2018 was definitely a whirlwind of a year and came with many ups and downs, to put it lightly! I’m sure I’ll be getting in to the ins and outs of the year in future posts, but for now I’ll save you the details. Let’s just say the year started with some amazing positives, which involved me following my dream to explore Australia & Bali and then went on to end with a bit of a bump and my biggest relapse to date. Nothing like a good cliffhanger, is there!?  

Bad Days...

 

When starting this blog, I had so many ideas of how I wanted it to look. Most importantly, the two things I wanted it to be are; positive & honest. So I guess you could say I’m going against the positive part by titling this post as ‘bad days’, but let’s be honest here- they are something that we all experience! So how do we overcome them?  

Five ways to fitness

Does at least one of your 2018 goals involve becoming healthier/fitter? Are you finding it difficult getting to back in to your workout routine?  I’m with you, and I’m sure there’s 100’s of us feeling the same…
Getting in to a fitness routine in January can hands down be quite a shock to the system. Likelihood is that you’ve had a December filled with all the food, fizz, long morning lie ins and of course the occasional afternoon nap..just me? I thought not. Truth is, the only thing that may have been relevant to the word ‘fit’ throughout December, is the challenge of fitting even more food in than you thought possible. Second serving? Why the hell not! If your December sounds even the slightest bit similar to that, welcome to the club- trust me, there’s millions of us! It’s what makes Christmas, Christmas!! However, when January comes around and you have set all of these goals to be more healthy and wake up at 5am to go to the gym, it’s a pretty big shock to our system! This combined with January being labelled as the month of ‘January blues’, can mean that our motivation levels hit a new time low! If you’re finding it difficult, I feel you & don’t worry- I have got you covered. Continue reading to see my top 5 tips for getting in to a routine, smashing your fitness goals and generally taking the steps to become the healthiest version of you.

2018

After an amazing Christmas spent with family, friends, good food and celebrations, I feel like I’ve blinked and the end of December is upon us.

It’s crazy to think that 2017 has already come to an end. I feel like each years just goes by quicker and quicker. It really makes you realise just how important time is and to spend each day doing things that make you happy.

 

On a positive, 2018 here we come! I always love the start of a new year, it’s a great time to reflect on the year, every memory you have made and all of the things that you have achieved. Not only that, it’s a great time to set some new goals/aims for the year ahead. It’s a brand new year for you to do new things, take risks and smash your goals and ambitions. If you’re interested in my 2017 reflections, check out my previous blog post, but for now let’s focus on the year ahead!

2017 Reflections

My 2017-

As it's December and the end of 2017 is fast approaching, I feel it's the perfect time to hide from the winter weather, snuggle up and reflect on the highlights of this year! 2017 has certainly been a good one... 

Expectations VS Reality

23 years of age… Expectations vs reality

To some degree we’ve all felt at some point that we have expectations hanging over us. Whether they are our own or are from parents, friends or even society in general- either way if we let them they can have a huge impact on the way we think of ourselves and our mindset in general.

I’ve always been a planner and throughout my teenage years I thought I had it all figured out and new exactly what the future looked like. I’ve learnt that life has plans of its own for you and things don’t always work out quite the way you expect them too, but that’s ok!

 

Here’s a few examples of some of the expectations I/society has in comparison with my reality…

How to stress less...

6 things that help me to stress less...

      1)      Planning/prepping meals.

I know what you’re thinking; boring, time consuming, etc, etc. But seriously, a couple of lists, a shopping trip, and the odd hour in the kitchen- makes my week SO much easier.

Popping to the supermarket EVERY day on your lunch break adds up. Heading for the £3 meal deal? May sound like nothing but doing it every day easily adds up. Does £15 a week still sound ok? £60 a month? £720 a year? Ok, I’m taking it a bit too far now- you get the point! But, aside from the money- a ham sandwich and a bag of crisps really just doesn’t cut it for me- not when I can make delicious, nutritious home-made meals. And yes, I do feel smug when I’m strolling in the office with my Mediterranean vegetables with quinoa. Basic AND proud!! So take a couple of hours on a Sunday to plan and prep some meals that you can throw in the freezer and grab throughout the week. It will save you making a last minute trip to a supermarket or fast food joint on the daily- it will be better for you and for your bank balance!

 

     2)      Reading

As a child I was all about reading. I was known for being able to finish a book in one sitting and could spend hours wandering around a book shop searching for my next read! As I approached my teenage years the only thing you would find me reading is OK magazine or a take away menu… Now I’m in my twenties, I’m happy to say I’ve found my love for reading again. Just lately I’ve been reading personal development books such as ‘The Goddess Revolution’ by Mel Wells & ‘Who says you cant, you do’ Daniel Chidiac- I love how much they open my mind and help to retrain my brain away from all of the wrong beliefs we develop through our lives. I try to set at least half an hour aside for myself at the end of a busy day to just get lost in a book. It helps me to relax, switch off from my day and leads me in to the best sleep ever.

      3)      Exercise/Being Outdoors

If you’ve been reading my blog for a while, you’ll know I’m very much in to my fitness and I love staying active. Not only does it make my body feel healthy and amazing, it has a huge impact on my mindset too! Even more importantly its helped me to rebuild a positive relationship with food. I’m currently loving strength training at the gym, its helping both my body and mind to become stronger and I can’t explain the feeling I get after each session. It’s not all about heading to the gym though, every week I try to get at least one long walk in. There’s something about just being outside in the fresh air and noticing everything around me that just makes me feel so grounded and grateful- it’s definitely my pick me up!

Lets talk Body Image

 Of course, as a girl recovering from an eating disorder- working on body image is right up there on my priorities, however this should be the same for everybody! The way we see ourselves has a huge impact on the way that we live our lives.

Firstly, we’re our own worst critics. When we look in the mirror, 99% of us will focus on that one part of our body we don’t like. Big hips? Big legs? Flat bum? Bum too big? (Is that possible!?) no abs? You name it, we all have our pinpoints that we just don’t like. Wheras when we look at someone else we’re immediately drawn to the best parts of them. Then we do the whole comparison thing and make ourselves feel even worse that we already do about ourselves. So how do we stop doing this?
We need to recognise that we’re doing it in order to change it!! This is pretty easy when we reflect on the whole- but it’s about realising that we’re doing it at the time we’re doing it! This is when we can make a change and start to challenge our thought process.

Living In Recovery

Living in recovery from a Mental Health problem.

When I first started this blog alongside my Instagram it was for many different reasons. However, one of my priorities was to log my recovery journey in the most honest way, to give people an insight and understanding as well as, hopefully, being a comfort for those going through similar experiences.

So I guess this post is about that- honesty.  It’s a reminder that everyone’s lives aren’t always what they seem from their Instagram and that’s perfectly ok.

Over the past couple of weeks those looking at my Instagram will have seen all of the exciting things that I got up to...a week off work filled with meals out, V festival, afternoon tea, cocktails in Manchester- you name it! Those that read the photo captions will have had a little insight to things not being quite as perfect as they seem- but still, very positive posts.

 

What you don’t however see is how a simple week off can contribute so significantly to my mental health problems in perhaps a negative way.

Not only was I going out of my comfort zone to social events and eating foods that my eating disorder would scream no at- I was also out of my usual routine. It’s triggered my anxiety to go through the roof and my negativity popping its head out much more frequently than I’d like. I’ve spent the last few days in such a negative mindset, wanting to hide away in bed with no motivation to do things. So why?

Chester Half Marathon

Running Chester half marathon and what it taught me…

 A bit of a throwback  but better late than never! On Sunday the 21^st May I completed my first half marathon....

The Experience:
We stayed in Chester the evening before and indulged in an amazing 3 course meal to ensure we fuelled the run.
On the morning of the race nerves had kicked in and as I ate my porridge all I could think was ‘what if I can’t complete it, what if I can’t do it!?’ These thoughts obviously led to me feeling extremely nervous and I knew that if they carried on they would suck the enjoyment out of the whole experience. I challenged my doubts and constantly told myself that I could do it – it’s something I have trained for and worked hard on so there is no reason why I can’t, and in the end my best is all that I can do.

As we arrived at the start line at Chester Race Course my nerves had quickly changed to excitement. There was multiples of runners with their family & friends waiting for the race to begin. The atmosphere was buzzing and I knew that regardless of how well I ran I was going to have an amazing time and really that’s all that mattered.

I can honestly say that I enjoyed every second of the race – of course there were times that I felt extremely tired and the only thing I could think about was my aching feet and the next incline I had to face- but the most powerful thing about the whole experience was the support and that’s what kept me going. Strangers were constantly supporting each other to ‘just keep going’. We were all in it together and I began to focus on the people around me and doing my bit to encourage them.

Across the whole route there was people on the side lines holding big posters and blowing whistles, reading our names out from our running vests to tell us how well we were doing. Children had made huge ‘touch me for more power’ signs and every time one of us did, their faces lit up. Bands were playing along the side of us, and of course the Lucozade and power gels being handed out were more than helpful. It was one of the most physically exhausting things that I had ever done but I had a huge smile on my face from start to finish. I’ve talked before about the power my trainers have on my mindset and I think sometimes my friends and family think I’m mad, but it’s so true. Running taught me that even when you’re convinced you can’t carry on or can’t make it- you really can! It’s taught me to be persistent and never give up on anything that I choose to do. Most of all it’s a solid reminder that we need people and support- yes its ultimately up to us to do it- but that supportive, community atmosphere got me through that run and allowed me to enjoy every second. I’m known as quite an independent person that doesn’t really open up to many people, that day reminded me how beneficial other people are in any area of our lives. We’re all in this life together no matter what our job, circumstances, financial status or mood- lifting others, aiming to make people feel good, even if it’s just by a smile- can be the most worthwhile and feel good thing that you can do. The result it has on the other person could be more significant than you ever realise.

Crossing the finish line was incredible, thousands of people were there cheering and runners were congratulating each other. I’d completed the race in just above 1 hour 50s,  I remember receiving my medal and feeling so proud of myself- Not only had I put in a lot of hard work building up to this but just a year ago I was barely fuelling my body enough to walk in to work. It wasn’t just the physical training I had to do, it was the mental training to change my focus and mindset on food and fight against my disordered thoughts to take on this challenge and be healthy enough to participate. I’d not only done it, I smashed it (if I do say so myself) and still to this day I am beaming with pride about it!

So will I be running another half marathon? The answer has to be yes, however at the minute I’m focusing on strength training and building my physical strength along with my mental strength. For those of you that have been thinking about signing up to one- I’d say go for it!! It’s the easiest thing to sit thinking ‘I could never do that’- sign up and work towards it- I promise you won’t regret it!!

 

 

 

KB x

Let's talk about talking...

I’m going to start this post off by holding my hands up and admitting I’m not the best at communicating the way that I feel. Honestly, how many of us are?

If I had a penny for every time I replied with ‘I’m just tired’ when someone asks me what’s wrong… I’m pretty sure I’d be writing this post from one of many villas across the world with millions of pounds in the bank! Am I the only person? Definitely not. I’m sure its something all of you have done in the past- sometimes we even do it without realising. So why? What is it that stops us from answering honestly? There are so many reasons that could be different for every person or circumstances- a few of them might include;

-          I don’t want that person knowing my business

-          I don’t want to be seen as weak or dramatic

-          Once I admit there’s something wrong and say it out loud- its definite

-          If I say it, I may show my emotions- I might cry

-          That person has enough going on in their life, my problem will seem silly

-          Once I tell them, they’ll constantly be asking me questions

The list could go on for pages and pages! The problem is that each of the above slowly contribute to you building a barrier that seperates you from other people. The more you try to deal with things on your own, the higher the barrier gets until it almost becomes impossible for you to speak about personal things or the way that you feel. This is a problem!

At the end of the day, no one can help you unless you help yourself… I know- we’ve heard that 1000 times but its beyond true…trust me, I know! Helping yourself can be as simple as telling someone how you feel or what’s going on for you.

 

 

Sometimes we shut things off so often that we find it hard to even know how we feel ourselves. For example, if someone asks you why you’re so queit or how you are feeling – how many times have you responded with …. ‘I just feel like rubbish’. How can a person help with that? What is rubbish? Are you angry, sad, disappointed, shocked, upset? And whichever one or more of them it is, why? What’s made you feel that way? Is it because of a situation? What have you been thinking about? Evaluate how you feel and why! If we’re getting technical, this is what you call being emotional intelligent which then allows you to use emotional literacy…. Basically its being aware of how you feel and being able to tell somebody.

We all like to think that we’re super humans that can handle just about anything that life throws at us without needing a single person. Truth is, we can’t – it just makes life a whole lot more difficult for yourself. Our perception of ‘strong’ has become distorted, many of us- including my self develop the belief that being strong is staying queit about things and managing it all- but actually, strength is being able to admit what your feeling and seek help. You’re fighting for yourself, rather than giving in to the emotions and letting them take over.

We all pipe on about stigma and people not understanding mental illness, I even talk about it myself. The truth is though, how can we expect stigma to reduce and people to understand if we don’t help them to understand by speaking out and telling them? No one is a mind reader. When I was in the depth of my eating disorder and was cancelling plans with friends, I’d tell them I was too tired to go or didn’t feel like it- wouldn’t it have been a lot more beneficial for me to say the truth? To say that actually the thought of sitting in a restaurant or coffee shop terrified me and I was scared that I’d freak out or be too overwhelmed. They may have offered to do something else or just reassure me that they understood and would support me and help me to overcome it? But instead I lied, I made them feel like I couldn’t be bothered to spend time with them- so I avoided social events, so much so that going anywhere became a bigger and bigger challenge. Therefore, I became more and more isolated.

This post is aimed at everyone. You don’t need to suffer or have suffered from mental distress for this to apply to you. We all have things that we struggle with and lets face it sometimes life throws some obstacles at us. Keeping our thoughts and feelings to ourselves generally just makes the problem bigger and harder to deal with.

My barriers got so high that I became isolated, I no longer knew how to let people in build relationships with them. This has meant I’ve lost many people by simply pushing them away and leading them to believe that I don’t care about them or want them in my life. The actual truth is, my sky high barrier meant it was almost impossible for me to do this. The most simple thing of communication became so foreign to me. I’d even find it hard to hold conversations with people I live with, people I’ve spent my whole life growing up with.

I’m not saying that people will always understand or that they’ll have all the answers for you- but a problem shared is a problem halved, right? Sometimes we don’t need a person to tell us what to do but just being able to say it aloud can help us to rationalise – and quite often we only see things from our own perspective, another person can help you to see things in so many different ways. Without these conversations our perception of a situation feels like fact. We allow ourselves to struggle.

 

Like I said at the beginning of the post, I’m by no means perfect at this communication thing. Actually, I’m pretty far from it. Although the difference now is, I’ve learnt just how important it is. I’m slowly learning to push out of my comfort zone and talk about things. In the past, the only way I knew how to show how I feel was through my eating disorder, through harming and slowly destroying my self. I’ve learnt the hard way, but I’m learning to let people in, to talk about my feelings, the things that I think and situations that worry or upset me. My barriers are slowly crumbling down and it’s by no means easy but I can honestly say its beyond worth it.

Life can be extremely isolating when you are stuck behind a barrier of your struggles- we need people. Life is so much more enjoyable when you can build relationships with people, share amazing memories, give and receive support and ultimately when you can be a person that shares your lows, highs and everything in between. Nobody should hide their true self- you deserve to be seen exactly how you are. If you’re worried that people will judge you, just remember; those that matter won’t mind- they’ll accept you for all your good and bad- but those that do mind shouldn’t matter.

So next time you’re feeling low or struggling- start to ask yourself why. Talk to somebody and let them in, let them support you! It won’t happen overnight but it’s the most worthwhile thing you can do.

K x

Positivity

I’m all about positivity. Most of my hashtags will involve ‘positive vibes’ – I finish the day by thinking of 3 positives- and I always encourage others to find the positive in every situation.
I display photos on my instagram that are positive and highlight memorable good times and things that I get up to. It’s amazing to be a positive influence but I feel honesty is most definitely important too.
 I am proud to say that I have come so far and am in a place that’s 1000x better than a year ago. I now go out and do amazing things and create memories. I’ve got back in to things I am passionate about, a circle of friends that remind me how lucky I am on a daily basis without them even realising. I do a job that makes me so proud and allows me to make a difference on a daily basis. Things are positive.
 
Do I have bad days? Do I have days where I just want to hide from the world? Do I bite peoples heads off occasionally without even realising it? Do I sometimes sit thinking of every possible negative? Do I cry? Do I have days where it’s impossible for me to just ‘cheer up’? Do I make mistakes?
The answer to all of the above is YES – of course I do!! Not only am I in recovery from mental illness, I’m also human and with that comes feelings and experiences that we can’t always label as ‘positive’.
 

It’s so easy to look through peoples instagram uploads and start to feel down about yourself and comparing it to your life. It’s important to remember that even the most well-known privileged people that spend their time jetting around the world attending big events are also, guess what?  Human. They have bad days, things aren’t always as perfect as they seem. We are all human no matter what our circumstances or lifestyle- we just don’t post all the negative moments and feelings because why would we? We want to celebrate our individual journeys through life, show the things that we love and the amazing places that we see. I think this is perfectly fine, but I also feel personally, that it’s important for me to give an honest insight.
 
With my current circumstances I battle my mental illness on a daily basis. Sometimes, that battle barely affects my day- but other times it completely takes over. This can be anything from extremely low moods to negative thoughts and beliefs around eating/weight that are sometimes stronger than I am.  I have days where all I want to do is sit and cry and beg people around me to make me feel better or change things. Ultimately, I know that it’s only me that can do something to change things. I know that those feelings won’t last forever and whatever I’m feeling will pass and I know that when it does I will pick myself back up and start again. The difference is before I would give in to the thoughts and feelings and let them not only destroy a day but they would consume weeks or even months.  Now, I’m not only stronger but I challenge myself and have a better mindset. I know exactly where I want to be and that keeps me moving forward on a daily basis- it makes the battle worth fighting.

Ultimately, I wanted this post to remind everyone that we all have bad days, hurdles along the way and, putting it bluntly- shit happens. It’s about learning to accept and manage the lows and use them as motivation to get back up and do the things you love. Nobody is perfect and your biggest motivation should always be yourself.

I hope you've all had a fab Bank Holiday weekend!