The reality of battling an eating disorder

One of the hardest parts of battling an eating disorder is its ability to make you feel like there’s no battle at all. Along with the long list of life consuming and life risking symptoms, one of the most difficult things for me was, and still is, the way the illness convinces you that you ‘aren’t sick enough’ or ‘not yet thin enough’ to recover. This is something I found to be my biggest obstacle and challenge.

Recovery really is one big journey, with plenty of ups and downs. I tend to go so long doing really well and pushing further and further out of my comfort zone before my eating disorder pipes up like ‘hey, remember me!? You’re doing a bit too well’ and I fall backwards. The time I stay down before realising I need to pick myself up and fight, gets shorter and shorter every time. I’m slowly learning that I want my life, I don’t want to be consumed by this voice every single day, living by a set of rules that I set myself.

‘You’re either working on recovery or working on a relapse’. This statement couldn’t be any more accurate. Recovery is a massive task, it takes so much effort, energy and determination. You don’t just choose to recover one day, it’s a choice that you have to make not just every day but every minute of every hour of every day. That choice is harder on some days than it is on others but the decision is extremely important.

That’s why this mind dump blogpost has been written. I’ve recently been at a point where I stopped working at recovery and was depriving myself working towards the wrong goals. I’m not going to sit beating myself up or feeling guilty about it, instead I’m going to be proud that I’ve recognised it and put all of my efforts in to turning things around and continuing on my journey to recovery.

I want to choose to have every meal until it doesn’t feel like a question anymore, I hope to get to a point where I eat naturally without even considering otherwise. The only choice I want to make is what I fancy eating. I want to get to a point where I can count my blessing and achievements- not my calories or weight loss. I want to be able to look in the mirror without ripping myself apart. I want to be able to voice when I’m not ok and tell those around me, not show them through starving my body. Most of all when I make a mistake or do something imperfect I want to remember that I still deserve to eat and take care of myself.
I want to learn that food is not there as a reward or punishment. It’s fuel. The fuel we need to get up each day and follow our dreams. To do the things we love and create lifelong memories and to spend time with the people we love. To build a positive relationship with food is a huge part of my journey to a healthy and happy mind set… something we all deserve regardless of how much we value ourselves.   
                                                                                    

It’s not easy, I know that I can say all of this and then eat something and feel a shed load of guilt and have thoughts about being greedy and needing to restrict. But that’s ok, as long as I don’t act on the thoughts, I need to challenge them and put everything in to overcoming this illness.

So no, it’s definitely not easy but it is beyond worth it!

 

Mental Health

You shouldn’t have to see to believe.

I think what can be most difficult for people trying to understand mental health is the fact that you can’t physically see it.

This is what I found most difficult as I started to work towards my own recovery. I was gradually gaining weight, no longer passing out, my skin no longer a ghostly shade of grey/yellow and on the outside I was certainly on my way to looking healthy. This of course made people around me very happy, after months of following me around picking me up off the floor, waiting to see what shade of grey I’d be each day and walking on egg shells to see if my body was strong enough to make it through another day.. for them it was a huge relief to see me looking alive again. So every time somebody approached me with ‘You look so much better’ or ‘I can’t tell you how healthy you look’ I should have been overjoyed with pride and felt so good about myself that I’d managed to get to this point...right?

Wrong. That’s how I wanted to feel, I wanted to be smile back and thank all the people that went through hell and back with me and tell them I am just as happy as they are. Often, I would do that- but on the inside I couldn’t feel more opposite if I tried.

I think there are two reasons this affects me so much and I think many people in similar circumstances will be able to relate…

1)      I look healthy, I’m no longer collapsing every other day, I’ve gained some much needed weight back and from the outside I look well. On the inside however I couldn’t feel more horrific, out of control and desperate. The worst part would be when someone approached me with one of the comments like ‘I cant believe how well you look’ Id smile and say thank you but inside my head I was screaming, frustrated at how desperate for help I was. I’ve never been good at speaking out and opening up about how I feel so for so long my way of crying for help was through my eating disorder. Don’t get me wrong there were certain people that know me so well they could see beyond the physical appearance and really take the time out to question and understand how I’m feeling.

2)      Those that have struggled with an eating disorder will know this one all too well. Somehow our illness convinces us that every bit of food we eat, every pound of weight we gain and every step closer to health we take is a complete failure. Logically we know this is rubbish- we know that doing all the above is needed to get well and live our life however the strong waves of guilt, hard-hitting thoughts and emotions can often make this so difficult to remember. I think people around us find this hard to understand- you’ve gained weight, you now eat things you never used to so why can’t you come out for a 3 course meal? Why is going on a night out and ending it in a kebab house such an impossible challenge for you? You don’t look unwell anymore.. you’re better right? .. This goes back to mental illness not being physically visible. It explains why so many people relapse in to their eating disorders- it can become so easy to feel so desperate and need to show people how bad you feel to be taken seriously. This shouldn’t be happening.

 This applies to all forms of mental Illness, the amount of times I’ve heard the words ‘you don’t look depressed’ or ‘you look perfectly fine to me’ is unreal. Mental illness is a mental illness a persons physical appearance may never change for the whole duration of their illness- that doesn’t mean that they’re fine. They may look ok, but its how they feel that’s important. This can also be a problem when seeking help from professionals, I agree the lack of funding and ever lasting waiting lists is out of their control but the fact that the severity of your struggle is often based soley on your appearance or actions just isn’t right. We shouldn’t feel that we have to starve ourselves to a point where we’re extremely underweight, we shouldn’t get to a point where we feel self harm is the only option, we should never have to think that risking our lives is the only way that our illness will be taken seriously. How we feel and the way that we think should be enough to be understood and taken seriously to receive the help that we need.

The fact nobody can see mental illness means it’s quite common for people to wonder why you are doing this to yourself or why you can’t just ‘think positive’ or ‘cheer up’. So many people sat me down to tell me how much time I’ve wasted of my life with this illness and to some extent they’re right. It’s been a good 7/8 years that I’ve been up and down- doing ok for so long before plummeting. What they don’t understand is that it’s an illness. Nobody sits in their bedroom and decides they’d quite like to spend the next 7 years feeling like they’re losing their mind. Nobody plans to starve themselves for a good time. No one would choose to feel so out of control and scared not able to see a way out…just like nobody would choose to have an Asthma attack. It can be the most frustrating thing in the world to see everyone around you living and enjoying life and you wanting to do that more than anything but just feeling physically unable. To be sat crying and panicking and not knowing why or how to pick yourself up and feel better. We sadly don’t have a ‘cheer up’ or ‘think positive’ button. Sometimes believe it or not we can’t control how we feel, we’re unwell.

Don’t get me wrong there are certain aspects that are in our control. We have choices that we can make to help us on our way to recovery. Self-help is a big one, on the darkest days it can be so easy to just do the complete opposite of this and self-destruct and sometimes we’re so unwell that it can feel like the only option. Self-help is one of the hardest yet worthwhile choices someone struggling can make. We are often in a position so unhappy with ourselves that taking care of ourselves just feels wrong. The decision to do this can range from choosing to get up each morning through to knocking on someone’s door and asking for help. It can be eating three meals a day and it can be going for long walks to clear your mind. There are so many forms of self-help and some days we choose things just to get us through the day but as good days start to occur we can do things that push out of our comfort zone and allow us to progress in recovery. We all have different methods of self-help, I won’t go in to mine as I’ll save that for another post but using these things and developing different ways is definitely a choice, it’s not always an easy choice- infact sometimes its almost impossible, but it’s a choice that’s so important. One day I may be the biggest self-help, personal development fan ever, doing things to take care of myself and setting future goals of creating a life I love and some days I’m sat thinking it’s all rubbish and achieving nothing but rolling out of bed in the morning... but that’s ok. It’s all part of one big journey.

So yes, to some extent we have choice and we can do things to help ourselves and prevent relapse and these choices are important just like an asthmatic choosing to take their inhaler or quit smoking. However sometimes no matter what a person with asthma does to care for themselves, every now and then they may suffer an asthma attack- it’s out of their control and has nothing to do with anything they have done but they just have to get help, pick themselves up and move forward from it. Just like those of us with mental illness- sometimes we will lapse or relapse and it won’t be our fault or in our control, it’s just about bearing with us, being there and helping us pick ourselves back up and keep moving forward.  

Self-reflection in Sardinia

Self-reflection in Sardinia.

I’m writing this as I’ve just returned from my week long holiday in Sardinia, Italy. As mentioned on a previous post, it was my first holiday of the year due to not being well enough to travel previously.

I always knew the holiday was going to be a challenge but felt determined to make the most of it and have a much needed break. It was a beautiful, picturesque place with the most perfect views it was almost surreal. I was realistic from day one and knew that I couldn’t take a holiday from my head- therefore expected that there would be days worse than others but I’d just ride through them and make the most of the positives.

 

 

Food wise I managed to push myself on many occasions to join in with the family and have an ice-cream or even order pasta for dinner…but for everyone around those were just simple decisions. They fancied pasta- they ordered it, ate it and enjoyed it and then carried on with their evening. My situation was very different- the anxiety, worry, planning and overall thought that had to go through my mind before even ordering the dish was extremely overwhelming. I would keep a strong mind, determined not to let the illness win. I ate the meal and then spent the evening riddled with guilt thinking about how I can compensate for having it. I can’t explain how much I’d love to see food as food- rather than a big focus and something that currently controls my mood for the rest of the day. At home I admit I rarely push myself out of my comfort zone and tend to keep it pretty safe, therefore I had almost forgot just how difficult it actually is.

Another big struggle for me is the fact that I’m most comfortable in my own company. Just lately being out in public is such a challenge, I somehow manage to convince myself that everyone is starting at me, talking about me and judging me. This was a problem as I was in a hotel in the middle of nowhere… the most space I could get was going for little walks or going for a swim (there’s only so much of those you can do in a week).
I'm aware that  this is all part of the illness, I know it’s comfortable to stay in my comfort zone & only eat ‘safe’ foods. However recovery is all about pushing out of these, battling the guilt and trying to rationalise with myself. Some days it feels like the hardest thing in the world because every inch of me makes me feel like doing the complete opposite but the little glimpses of positives and of living make the struggle worthwhile.

Just being away gave me a lot of thinking time- I realised how much focus I put on food. I actually don’t think I know the core of my illness. I know that I use food as a way to seek control when my head feels like its flying off my shoulders, but how much of all of this is actually about food? For example,  I know realistically that I would look better and healthier with a little more weight but as soon as I start gaining I freak out and feel like I’ve lost all control. I feel like I’m stuck in a vicious circle and I’m desperately trying to clutch my way out of it.  I’ve had different possible diagnoses thrown at me throughout the years but so far nothing has ever been definite. I guess it’s a long process and I’m just at the start but I feel in order to get well I need to start to understand.

This post may seem like a negative one but trust me the positives outweigh the negatives. Less than 6 months ago I can honestly say I didn’t think I would have been here or I’d of been admitted to hospital- I saw no way out of my illness and every day was a huge struggle. So the fact that I’ve put so much in to recovery and actually went on holiday to somewhere completely new and out of my comfort zone, ate foods that I would never usually even look at and walked around a hotel complex in my bikini … I’m pretty impressed with myself. I’m not saying any of those things were easy and I’m not going to lie and say they didn’t come with anxiety and a thousand different thoughts…but I did them, not matter how hard it was or how unachievable they felt, I did them. There are so many times where I have sat saying ‘I can’t do it’ and times like this prove that no matter what situation we’re in or how bad things seem, every time we push ourselves or challenge ourselves we are one step closer to living a life that makes us happy rather than suffering.

The 'About me' Tag

I thought it’s about time I introduced myself properly, so why not do it by filling you all in on 25 random facts. I’ve seen this tag online quite a lot so thought I’d give it a go. I’ll be going in to detail and explaining more personal things in my life/about me over time but thought this was a good starting point!

Get to Know Me Tag Questions:

1. What is your middle name?
My middle name is Jade.

2. What was favourite subject at school?
This is a tricky one… to say I wasn’t the best student in school would be putting it lightly! I’d probably say English because of my love of writing and creativity or drama!

3. What is your favourite drink?
Without a doubt coffee! However if we’re talking alcohol I’ll never turn down a prosecco!

4. What is your favourite song at the moment?
At the moment it’s probably ‘Don’t let me down’ by Chainsmokers.

5. What  is your favourite food?
I’m going to sound really boring but I love fresh fruit..anything from strawberries, mango, pineapple..I just can’t get enough! Aside from that I love porridge. I know what you’re all thinking and yes I do like cake, chocolate etc but its just not my favourite!

6. What is the last thing you bought?
The last thing I bought was some dresses from New Look for my Holiday to Sardinia this weekend! Exciiiiiiting

7. Favourite book of all time?
I’m not going to lie here, there’s so many occasions I’ve sat and really tried to get in to reading…but I just can’t. I have such a short attention span and I just lose interest so quickly! I have however been reading short bursts of self-development books and I’m about half way through ‘You are a badass; How to stop doubting your greatness and start living an awesome life’ by Jen Sincero and I really recommend it! The honesty  and humour keeps even me interested!

8. Favourite Colour?
Love rose gold but aside from that it would be any pastel colours!

9. Do you have any pets?
I do, I have a Lhasa Apso dog called Charlie. He’s probably the most stubborn thing I’ve ever met (even worse than me) but I love him- he’s my little pal.

10. Favourite Perfume?
Marc Jacobs Decadence- and no, its not just because the bottles shaped like a handbag...but that helps!

11. Favourite Celebration?
I love Christmas! Mainly all of the festivities leading up to it- Christmas songs, German markets, cosy nights etc.

12. What is your relationship status?
I’m single and have been for a while- currently focusing on myself and happy that way.

13. What is your favourite country?
It depends which angle I look at this- if I’m thinking about the nicest place I’ve visited then I would hands down say Dubai- it’s complete paradise and I loved it! However, I’ve been going to the same little town in Fuerteventura for many years with my family so whenever I go back it’s always like home from home.

14. Do you speak any other language?
I speak a little Spanish. Spanglish..I definitely speak Spanglish.

15. How many siblings do you have?
I have one older sister called Hayley.

16. What is your favourite shop?
I love Zara, I could spend all day in there and leave with an empty bank balance!

17. Favourite restaurant?
My favourite chained restaurant is probably prezzo’s Italian however I mostly love any sort of country pub meal.

18. When was the last time you cried?
If you’ve read my previous posts, you will probably know that I’m currently in recovery from mental illness. Sadly crying is a bit of a regular occurrence so its probably a couple of days ago, however, I’m having a lot more positive days lately which is nice.

19. Favourite Blog?
I read lots of blogs but my favourites are probably; HearingHannah, Zanna Van dijk, dizzybrunette3, Carly Rowena and Zoella.

20. Favourite Film?
This is a tough one! I love Disney films but I think my all-time favourite film is probably Eat Pray Love. It’s a long one but inspires me every time I watch it!

21. Favourite TV shows?
I confess, it’s probably Coronation street & Eastenders..I’m definitely a soap kinda girl. I also like PLL, Scott & Bailey, Our Girl and X factor.

22. PC or Mac?
I don’t really have preference if I had to choose I’d probably say Mac.

23. What phone do you have?
iPhone 6- with a very smashed screen L

24. How tall are you?
I’m pretty tall, I’m around 5’7.

25. Can you cook?
I can. I’ve just recently started to try get back in to cooking and experimenting with different recipes. I love it and hope to keep learning and creating different dishes! Jamie Oliver eat your heart out!

 

Hope that gave you a little more insight! I have a load of hopes/plans for this blog so would love it if you checked back for future posts if you’re interested in getting to know more about me and my journey!

What do you want to achieve?

How many times have you sat watching Tv or scrolling through social media looking at people that travel the world, become  fitness fanatics or are just out there achieving their dreams and thought…’I wish I could do that’.

We become so comfortable and stuck in our routines that we forget that there’s a whole world out there and the opportunities are endless- there not just out there for certain people- we can all go after anything we wish. So why do we just sit dreaming about the things we’d like to do or see in the world? I think part of it is to do with us all being creatures of habit- we so easily fall in to routine and get stuck in this safety net where we almost look at our dreams as being reckless, unrealistic or simply unachievable. In many cases a lot of what’s holding us back is confidence- we look at these people out there doing the things we wish and simply think we aren’t capable of doing it, we’re afraid of failing… but wouldn’t you much rather look back and think ‘ah well I tried’ rather than ‘what if’? I know which I’d prefer. We also become afraid of what those around us will say/think when we tell them we’re cracking out of routine and taking  a risk on something- this fear is mostly because many reactions will be ‘ooh you have to be careful doing that’ or ‘really? Shouldn’t you be saving your money for a house or something?’ most of these reactions are right- we do need to be careful and yes we should probably be saving our money but life is for living so why not?

I think there’s three things you need to achieve your dreams/goals; confidence, motivation & a plan. Afterall they do say a goal without a plan is just a dream/wish. Why not make yours a reality?

Write out the things you want to do/see or achieve and then make a few steps/goals of things to do to work towards achieving these. Your ambitions should be enough motivation but as you achieve the little goals working towards your big dream the feeling of satisfaction and reward will keep pushing you forward until you’re doing exactly what you’ve always wanted.

So what do you want? Do you want to travel the world? Do you want a change of career? Or do you  want to get fit? You can do anything you want as long as you believe you can. If you sit thinking ‘I could never do that’ chances are you won’t. We’ve all heard of mind over matter, right? Go after your goals, we only have one life- please, please, please don’t waste it wishing you could do something- because chances are…you can!

I don’t know where all of this has come from on Sunday morning!? I think I’m partly trying to put myself and keep myself in the mindset that we really can achieve what we choose. This is a really helpful mindset towards recovery- the amount of times I sit there thinking it just won’t get better, I need to remember that it will and I’ll take every step to make that happen. It also motivates me and inspires me for the future- I’ve always wanted to see a bit more of the world and thrive within fitness. So you know what? That’s exactly what I’ll do… starting with a plan!

So… What do you want to achieve?

September

So it’s September....what!? I feel like everyone is saying this but I can’t actually believe how quickly this year has gone by- it won’t be long until we’re carving pumpkins, setting fireworks off and starting the Christmas festivities (ok I’m getting ahead of myself now!) This month I’ve decided to set a few goals of things I want to start working towards/achieve throughout the month- looking back at this year the only thing I can reflect on is my illness and I feel that having little goals is a big step forward to achieving things and getting on track. I feel like the start of a new month is the perfect time to reflect and think about things I want/need to do…

 

Save money- I’m not going to lie, I’m quite frankly terrible when it comes to money! As soon as it enters my account I’m spending on just about anything and everything. I delay checking my account balance, due to fear of what it will show, and when I eventually do I’m usually left with next to nothing and weeks until pay day. The worst part is having nothing to show for the money, it’s not like I go out buying nice clothes or spend it on day trips- most of it’s spent on complete rubbish when I’m feeling crap. This month I’m on a mission to save my money! I’ve made a plan of how much I’m putting away to save and I’m giving myself a budget to spend throughout the month- I think the best way for me to do this is withdraw X amount of money and put my card away- that way if I spend the cash I’ve withdrawn its tough luck. Hopefully this will make me more sensible with money and will allow me to actually save for the important things!

Spend more time on me- Throughout September I want to get in to the habit of having some well-earned me time. By this I mean taking care of myself and treating myself to the things I enjoy. Throughout this year whilst I’ve been struggling I’ve got out of the habit of this- I rarely do my make-up, don’t really care what I wear etc and I’ve come to a point where that needs to change. I want to spend time doing my make-up and finding outfits I like, getting my nails done and just pampering myself- not to look different but just purely because I know I enjoy it and it’s something that helps to make me feel good. I’m a bugger for running around everywhere trying to fill my time so I don’t have chance to think- I want to aim towards relaxing in the bath with a Lush bath bomb (because who doesn’t love that), watching my favourite boxset in bed or simply just reading a good book. I want to look after me and that’s something I’ve not said/thought for a long time.

Enjoy my holiday- Later this month I’m jetting off on my first holiday of the year to Sardinia in Italy and I cannot wait! I’m a bit of a travel bug and love a good holiday so its unusual that I’ve not been away yet this year- I’ve definitely tried- I had a couple of holidays/trips away booked earlier in the year but had to cancel them due to being unwell so I’m nervous but looking forward to this one! I know that you can’t run away from your own mind- so I just need to accept that, like at home, I am going to struggle to some extent whilst I’m away and the change in routine is going to be a challenge but it’s certainly worth it. I’m going to really try to just enjoy the break, have some chill time in the sun, do what I want- when I want and push myself to enjoy the amazing food/drinks that Italy has to offer. Mental illness has stole enough from me this year – I’m determined not to let it ruin the holiday.

Get organised- This year has felt like one chaotic mess. As part of my recovery I want to become more organised as I feel this will help me massively! I’ve felt like I’ve just been holding on by a thread and scraping through with both my personal and work life and if I want to get well that’s got to change. This month I hope to become more organised and have structure in place with blogging, fitness, socialising, me-time, finances and within my job so that I can do well and enjoy it rather than worrying and burying myself under 1000 pieces of paperwork. Of course I don’t want everything planned and structured as I have previously said I want to be more spontaneous however I feel when it comes to some things organisation and putting the work in is key!

Make Plans- Finally I want to start making plans to inspire and motivate me to recover and live life to the fullest. My mental illness has already stole so much of my life and my biggest nightmare would be to look back when I’m old and to have not achieved the things I dream about due to being unwell. Like I’ve said, and I don’t say it lightly, I’m willing to throw everything I can in to recovery and push myself through the lows- because there’s a whole world out there of opportunities and places to see. All being well I want to look in to doing some travelling at the end of next year – I’ve been looking at America, Bali or Thailand- just looking at these has already given me so much motivation and inspiration so I want to keep looking at this, as well as other things, and start making plans for the  future. Because every dream needs a plan!

So those are my goals for September- nothing too difficult, but changes I want to start making that will help me on my journey to recovery and to getting my life back.