For my future self...

From time to time we all lose motivation, it can happen for many reasons such as a bad mood, tiredness or that we just feel a bit crappy. In times like these, I’m a big believer in doing things for our future self, because even if our present self doesn’t appreciate them, the likelihood is our future self will. This started out as things like doing the dishes straight away, instead of early in the morning – even if doing them was the last thing I felt like, it allowed future Kirsty an extra 5 minutes in bed, which of course she’d be grateful for! Or sitting down to do an assignment, even if you’d rather be snuggled up watching that Netflix series you’ve been binge watching. You know that getting it done will save future you from a load of stress and sleepless nights trying to do it at the very last minute. You also know, that although it may feel pointless now, when you get whatever qualification it is that you’re working towards, you’ll be so glad you did the work. Future you will be proud!

You may now be wondering what on earth I am going on about, and I don’t blame you! So let me get to the point… The exact same thing applies to recovery! If you’re in recovery from an eating disorder, or any mental illness, it’s likely that you aren’t feeling or seeing the positive results that everyone keeps telling you will come. It may feel far too hard or uncomfortable and you may just want to give up. You may feel that you don’t deserve happiness or that you don’t deserve to get better. That my friend, is your illness talking, doing its upmost best to cling on to you and drag you backwards. In these cases, I find that the most helpful thing is to focus on future you, the person that you want to become and the life that you want to live. So every time you are grabbing a snack, even though your mind is whizzing with guilt, telling you that you don’t need it or stopping yourself from going on a long walk. Even if you don’t want or fancy all of the food on your plan- the one thing to hold on to is… future you.

If there is one thing I’ve learnt, it’s that it gets a lot harder before it gets better – we’ve all heard the quote ‘if you’re going through hell, keep going’. There have been so many times that it’s felt too hard, I’ve wanted to give up and crawl back in to my comfort zone. I’m not narrow minded in thinking that it’s not going to get even harder, I’m in the very early days and know that my journey is only just beginning. I have to remind myself that all of the hard work I’m putting in now, all of the ways I’m challenging myself, I’m doing for my future self. I’m doing it because I need to conquer my eating disorder, before I can conquer the world. I’m doing it to kill the demons that have tried so hard to kill me.

So if you are also in recovery form an eating disorder, or can relate to this post in anyway- please remember that it doesn’t matter if some days are harder than others, because every day we have a new opportunity to do better than we did yesterday. And no matter how hard recovery gets, living with an eating disorder, is far better than living FOR an eating disorder. One day you will look back and be both proud and grateful that you never gave up on this battle. You’ll live a life that is no longer consumed by food and numbers. So although this process is unimaginably tough, it will all feel worth it when we start to notice our laugh getting a little louder, our smile a little bigger and our hearts much fuller.

‘The most important day of our lives is the day that we were born and the day that we realised why’.