Eating Disorder Awareness Week

I was once the girl who smothered her toast in butter and went back for seconds, and thirds, until she was full. I was the girl who ate cheesecake multiple times a week, whose favourite chocolate bar was a snickers, and who lunched on supernoodle sandwiches on many occasions. A girl who loved bacon sandwiches & wasn’t afraid to admit that she loved the occasional big mac. I was the girl that would get home from school on a Friday and spend the entire weekend lazing around in her comfies, without even contemplating moving. I was also the girl that loved all sorts of exercise from running, skiing, swimming and walks. The girl who loved fruit & vegetables as much as she loved chocolate and cheese.
My point being? I was balanced. The only time ‘guilt’ occurred in my life, was if I had said something without thinking or accidently let a door go on somebody.

So why am I saying all of this? Because that girl who I described, is very different to the person I am today. That girl got completely floored by an eating disorder that went on to steal and affect the next 10 years of her life, the most recent relapse almost costing her life.  

I slowly but surely became the girl completely consumed by thoughts around food. Whose every day was spent calculating food intake and feeling guilty about every ounce. The girl who found achievement and challenge in eating less and less each day.  The girl whose body just wanted to rest, but mind wanted to burn X amount of calories. The girl who struggled to overcome mind battles, even to just eat a banana. The saddest part? It isn’t just health & weight that my eating disorder stole from me. It’s cost me friends, my ability to work and my passion for, well anything really! It has pound by pound shrunk my life down until there is nothing left but my eating disorder.  And if stripping my life away wasn’t enough, it decided to throw some pretty significant physical health consequences in there too!  
 
So why did I decide to write this post?  I guess there are a mixture of reasons. Today marks the first day of Eating Disorder awareness week in the UK. A week dedicated to raising awareness, reducing the stigma and encouraging those in need to seek help, the same aims that I have for logging my own journey through my blog.
 I also wrote this post to remind myself of all the things that my eating disorder has caused/taken from me and to remind me of why I’m fighting so hard in recovery. I hope it’s also a reminder to anyone else on the same path of recovery, to keep fighting because no good will come from your eating disorder. It does nothing but distort your thoughts, beleifs and actions. It shrinks you down until you feel like you having nothing left to give. You are far more than your eating disorder, you can and WILL recover, because there is a life that exists without an eating disorder – regardless of what your thoughts/fears tell you.  Lastly, I hope this post helps to raise awareness - there are a lot of unhealthy diets/views on foods being promoted currently, and although eating disorders aren’t always caused by diets, the unhealthy relationships with food that they create can lead people to fall down a very slippery slope, without even being aware of what’s on the other side.
 
Anorexia, or any eating disorder for that matter, is not a choice. It’s a mental illness. The only choice that exists within the illness, is the choice to recover. That’s a choice that isn’t just made once and followed by an uphill, pleasant recovery. It’s a choice has to be made every second of every day.  As for me, I’m now on a desperate journey & a huge uphill climb to claim back my life. To heal and restore not just my health, but my happiness too. 
 

 

 

This has been a somewhat very rambly post, I’m not quite sure that it will even make sense to anyone. If anything, I hope that it’s a reminder of how precious life is and that it’s beyond worth fighting for.
I’ve thought it was the end far too many times. It’s not the end. I will win my battle. This is just the beginning.

Recovery, I’m coming for you.