Little things making big changes

Just lately I’ve really tried to focus on self care. That doesn’t mean I’m practising yoga or mindfulness every night- I’m just doing simple things that make me feel good and focusing on how I can better myself. So far, I’ve been looking at the following…..

 

Positivity-

Not always easy, trust me I know! We could have 100 good things going on in our lives but if there is one negative, we will become completely consumed by it and forget all the good. I’ve started to finish my day thinking of 3 positive things that happened that day. It could have been a complete disaster of a day, but there are always positives even if it’s the fact that you got through the day or have a comfy bed to end the night in! There are so many negatives going on in the world and sometimes we just need to remind ourselves of how many amazing things happen in the world that we live in.

The people you surround yourself with-

I only have people in my life that add to my life. These people make me feel good about myself, make me laugh on a daily basis and create memories with me from simple walks & coffee dates to trips or nights away. They are people that make my smile bigger and my laugh louder and most importantly they fill my heart on a daily basis. They accept me exactly how I am and try to understand my journey and support me every day. These people contribute to my wellbeing in a million ways and most of the time without even realising. Having the right people in your life is so so important- friends should love, support and empower you – if people are doing anything to bring you down or not treat you right, are they really worth it? We tend to accept the treatment that we think we deserve- rewind 12 months ago and any one could say or do anything and I would 100% accept it regardless of how negative it was. I’m learning to value my self and that starts with the people around me- my circle of people are the reason I am who I am today and I wouldn’t change them for the world.

Balance –

 I spoke a lot about balance in my previous blog post, so I wont ramble too much about this. I honestly believe balance is key wether its balancing food, exercise, social life, work etc. Having a good balance in life is so important. I’m naturally an all or nothing type of person but I’m slowly but surely getting better at this!

‘Down time’-

 I’ve recently started to appreciate the importance of down time. For me this is all about taking some time away from the chaos of day to day life and taking time to have a long soak in the bath, go for a walk or get stuck in to series on Netflix with some decent snacks! Either way it’s taking time for yourself and no matter what your brain tells you – it’s needed and definitely isnt a waste of time!

Ambitions-

Have dreams & goals and work towards them!!! Don’t ever settle for what you think is acceptable or achievable. If you have things you want to do or see then the only person stopping you is yourself- I learnt this when I was unwell with my eating disorder- no matter how much support you have around you – nobody can save you until you decide to save yourself! That lesson can be used in all walks of life- if you want to go to university- do your research, work towards it and make it happen. Want to start a blog? Sit at your laptop and start writing! We often feel like we have limits that stop us from achieving our dreams but our biggest limit is ourselves. I’ve started to live by the saying ‘better so what than what if’. I’d much rather try to do something than sit in years to come regretting the fact that I never tried. I have so many goals and ambitions which I’ll save for another post but just so you know I’m not all talk… One of my biggest loves is travelling and I’ve always said I’d love to see Bali. So, I made a savings plan, my flights are now booked and I’m heading out there in October and I wont know a single person out there! Am I scared? Yep but as they say, if it doesn’t challenge you- it won’t change you!

Moral of the blog post? We often get so caught up in life that we forget to really look after ourselves and do what makes us happy. Those are some of the things I’ve added/changed in my life to look after me. Don’t live your life trying to please everyone around you because honestly, that’s just not possible and at the end of the day- this is your life- live it in a way that pleases you, not a way that meets others expectations.

Exercise. Therapy or Enemy?

Those of you that have read my previous posts will know that my journey has been a bit of a bumpy one with plenty of ups and downs.

Sports/fitness has been a passion of mine for as long as I can remember. From toddler dance and gymnastics lessons, running competitively for my school, skiing lessons and exams right through to developing a love for the gym- weight lifting in particular. I’ve always loved being active and challenging my self physically.

When I was unwell and in the depths of my eating disorder- my love of exercise was never going to be a positive. My eating disorder manipulated things and made me believe that I HAD to exercise to burn off the little amount of food I was eating. The competitive part of the illness was strong- if I knew someone was training 5 times a week I’d think – watch this I can train 7 times. I would spend so much time on a treadmill not allowing myself to stop until I’d burnt X amount of calories- and it goes without saying that I was burning off a lot more than I was putting in. My thoughts around foods were extremely distorted. It came to a point where I had to stop all forms of exercise because it was helping me to destroy my body.

So now on my journey through recovery – do I train again and has my relationship with fitness changed? YES!

Of course people around me have occasionaly voiced concerns about me getting back in to fitness. I’m not narrow minded so I can see exactly why they would be concerned. They watched me slowly disappear and become a shell of who I was, so to hear me talk about exercise may appear to them as warning bells of old behaviours returning.

However, they now understand completely and have seen a gradual but significant change in my mind set. I no longer exercise to ‘punish’ myself. I exercise because it makes me feel good and it allows me to celebrate what my body can do!

Of course nobody has waved a magic wand and got rid of any disordered thoughts- I still have to battle with them on a regular basis. However I’m getting much better at challenging them and going against them. I’m now able to recognise when my thoughts are telling me I HAVE to workout to be able to eat. When this happens, I push to avoid exercise and eat exactly what I wanted. If I was to give in and follow through on these thoughts, I’d be allowing them to get stronger and stronger- so instead I’m the one becoming stronger.

If I wake up tired and not fancying the gym- I won’t go. If I go for a run and have to keep stopping I’ll still go home feeling good about my self and my food intake won’t change. I’m by no means perfect and still sometimes get what I call ‘resting guilt’ but I didn’t come this far to only come this far. So I continue to challenge it. I promised my self earlier this year that I wanted to measure the year in smiles and memories not calories and pounds. I don’t ever weigh myself- I no longer exercise to be a certain weight- I do it because it’s something I enjoy and that’s a statement I’ve not been able to say in a long time.  It also helps that I’ve developed a love of cooking – getting creative in the kitchen makes it all a lot more fun!

So ultimately, why do I love fitness so much? Well, my trainers turn my cant’s in to cans, my frustrations in to achievements and my stress in to happiness. Pretty good trainers eh!?

 

Both running and weight lifting benefit me physically in becoming fitter, stronger and support me to becoming the healthiest I can be. However, the benefits mentally outweigh the physical by far. Fitness teaches me that I can carry on even when my minds telling me I can’t, it makes me stronger, happier and more mindful than I could begin to explain.

Not only that but my fitness keeps me on track with my food intake- which again I’m not claiming to be any where near perfect at- but it’s a working progress! Fitness has become far more important to me than starving. I used to sit worrying that I’d eaten too much- now I sit worrying that I’ve not eaten enough!! The table has turned and I cant begin to explain how good it feels. I put a constant effort in to make sure I’m fuelling my body enough so that I am able to workout and do the things that I love.

Last year fitness was the enemy- my eating disorder may as well of handcuffed me to my most hated cardio machines in the gym- it made me cancel plans and avoid social occasions so I didn’t ‘fall off track’ and my life was completely consumed by ‘clean eating’. Right now, fitness is just a part of my life- I choose coffee with friends, birthday parties, cocktails, days out over it many of times but I also make time for it because why would I not when it makes me feel so good?

 

The message I want to get across from this post is that fitness is huge all over social media and the media in general- I think it’s great that so many of us are passionate about health and wellbeing and looking after our bodies. Just please remember that there is a fine line between passion and obsession- avoid the term ‘clean eating’ because please… the only time a food is dirty is when you drop it on the floor!!! It’s so easy to become sucked in by some of the unhealthy messages online- just remember that life is all about balance and there is so much more to life than being a certain weight.

As for me, I’m falling back in love with fitness and it’s slowly but surely getting back to being my therapy rather than my enemy. Now excuse me why I go and demolish some eggs…. And I’m talking about the Cadbury kind!!!

Happy Easter x

 

A new chapter

When I sit and think back- mainly to 2016, I have so many mixed emotions. I’m angry and devastated that once again mental illness came and took over my life. I’m frustrated that it took so much precious time from me as well as pushing those around me away. I’m disappointed that I believed the thoughts inside my head and gave in to them time and time again. I’m sad that while most friends were going out and living their life, I was sat at home feeling shit not knowing how much longer I could cling on. I was jealous that my friends would go out for cake and hot chocolates and I could barely drink a skinny latte without being riddled with guilt about the calorie and fat content.  All of these negative feelings towards the year are just some of a very long list. But were there any positives? Of course there were.

I gained people in my life that stepped up above and beyond to support me, encourage me, love me and more than anything fight for me, even when I stopped fighting for myself. These people never once walked away or gave up on me although I’d already given up on myself. They loved me until I could see that I was worth loving and fought for me until I could see that I was worth fighting for. Those people are still by my side and are very much family to me.

Some say that you have to experience the bad to appreciate the good. That statement used to mean nothing to me but now comes with so much meaning. Things that we naturally take for granted have become so important to me and it means I cherish them more. These things can include somebody making me laugh, a coffee & catch up with a friend, the sun being out or even just a simple smile from somebody. When you’ve spent so much time in complete darkness, these cracks of light mean more to you than you could ever know- and I will always value them.

2016 made me realise how weak I could be but also how strong I can be. When you come so close to giving up but manage to fight your way through it- you realise you underestimated your strength. There’s a few quotes flying around about how tough you have to be to fight with your mind every single day and when you sit back and think about it, its true. My demons weren’t another person or situation, they were and still are to some extent in my head and there’s not a single day that goes by when they don’t show up. To challenge and fight that can be exhausting and I would never give my self credit for it- but as I’m on my journey through recovery I’m starting to allow myself to feel proud. Proud that I’m still here, still fighting and aiming towards a future.

And lastly its taught me that nobody can do it for you. If you want something- there’s only you that can do it. Yes we need support and people and things around us help, but ultimately nobody can save you until you make the decision to save yourself. This applies to mental health but is a lesson I can use in all forms of life. We all have dreams and ambitions and instead of waiting for them to happen I’ve realised that I am the only one that can make them happen! I’ve learnt that lifes too short to settle in unhappiness due to the fear of change- you can do whatever, whenever and you can be the person YOU choose to be. We all know I’m a huge fan of the saying ‘the most important project you can ever work on is yourself’. During my relapse last year it completely stripped me from everything I was and has left me not knowing who the heck I am. Instead of wallowing about that I’m using it as a positive to become the person I want to be and hopefully ill find myself somewhere on the way.

So what do I want from the rest of 2017? Instead of writing a long essay about my goals (I think you’ve probably read enough of my ranting already!) Ultimately I want to focus this year on my recovery and becoming the best version of myself ..as soon as ive figured out who that is of course!!! I want to measure this year in smiles and memories not calories and pounds. I know my mental illness wont ever truly go away but I want to learn to live with it- rather than suffer from it. I want to accept the bad days as lessons and cherish every second of the good days!

I want this blog post to mark the beginning of a new chapter on this blog- as I step away from constant mental health related posts. I want to use this as a platform to log my recovery but also to log my memories, passions and adventures along the way. After all, I am not my mental illness- there is so much more to me than my struggles.