At the moment I feel consumed by my
current situation. Some days it can be pretty difficult to see that there’s
life at the end of all of this. I’ve been reflecting a lot and thinking about
things I hope to change in the long run, over the last few years I’ve collected
quite a few unhealthy beliefs, traits and habits that not only feed in to my
illness but also make life pretty lifeless. I’m not going to babble on with
hundreds of goals I’d wish to achieve but here’s 5 of the things I’m aiming
towards…
1) Those that mind don’t matter,
those that matter don’t mind- This is a big one for me. I want to learn to be
who I am and say what I feel without the complete terror of what other people
will think of me. There are so many occasions where I will refuse invites out
or just sit in complete silence thinking intensely about what to say, followed
by every possible reason why it would make a person not like me. I think this
is a pretty common one, however when struggling with mental illness it’s easy
to start to feel like a burden even to the people closest to you. It becomes a
much safer and easier option to isolate yourself and not talk about how you
really feel due to the fear that they’ll think your mad and run a mile- I need
to learn to accept that I’m unwell at the moment and yes I may not be the most
reliable, fun, predictable or happiest person to be around most days – but
those that love and value me for who I really am will be by my side regardless-
and those that run a mile really don’t matter.
2) Ditch the guilt- Guilt about
eating, guilt about not eating, guilt about activeness, guilt about laziness, guilt about family, guilt about friends, guilt
about choices, guilt about recovering, guilt about not recovering, guilt,
guilt, guilt. I feel like my brain just runs on guilt most hours of most days. I’m
working on remembering that I’m currently living with a poorly brain and
fighting my mind every day- I need to cut myself some slack and remember that I’m
doing the best I can with what I have. No amount of guilt will ever change the
past, you can pick yourself up and start again at any moment of any day.
3) Be more spontaneous- At the moment
it’s really important for me to have plans in place, I like to plan what I’m
doing, when I’m doing it, what I’m eating, where I’m going etc. This is pretty
helpful for me at the minute so I can prepare myself and manage my fears and
anxieties and stay on track. On the good days I’m trying to push myself to be a
little spontaneous- my aim one day is to be able to say yes more and do what I feel,
when I feel. Afterall the best moments usually are the ones unplanned. I hope
to be comfortable with the fact that I can’t control everything and that’s ok.
4) Moderation- Due to the nature of
my illness the word moderation may as well be foreign to me! I certainly don't do things by halves and tend to go
from one extreme to the other. I can’t wait to be in a place where
moderation is achievable! I want to accept that it’s ok not to be perfect and
stop putting a shed load of pressure on myself in recovery and in life in
general.
5) Discover who I am- Those of you that have struggled with any form
of mental illness may be able to relate with the feeling that you’ve completely
been consumed and no longer know who you are. I’m on a mission to discover who I
am- I know that my mental health will always be a part of me and thats ok.. but I want to
learn who Kirsty is – what I like, what I don’t like, who I want to be, where I
want to be. This can be anything from bucket list goals right through to the
clothes I wear and the music I listen to. I want to find who I am and ditch the
comparisons to everyone else!!
These things remind me of why I’m
fighting and keep me motivated to push through the bad days. There’s a life out
there waiting and working towards the above will help me on my journey to
living it.
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