Exercise. Therapy or Enemy?

Those of you that have read my previous posts will know that my journey has been a bit of a bumpy one with plenty of ups and downs.

Sports/fitness has been a passion of mine for as long as I can remember. From toddler dance and gymnastics lessons, running competitively for my school, skiing lessons and exams right through to developing a love for the gym- weight lifting in particular. I’ve always loved being active and challenging my self physically.

When I was unwell and in the depths of my eating disorder- my love of exercise was never going to be a positive. My eating disorder manipulated things and made me believe that I HAD to exercise to burn off the little amount of food I was eating. The competitive part of the illness was strong- if I knew someone was training 5 times a week I’d think – watch this I can train 7 times. I would spend so much time on a treadmill not allowing myself to stop until I’d burnt X amount of calories- and it goes without saying that I was burning off a lot more than I was putting in. My thoughts around foods were extremely distorted. It came to a point where I had to stop all forms of exercise because it was helping me to destroy my body.

So now on my journey through recovery – do I train again and has my relationship with fitness changed? YES!

Of course people around me have occasionaly voiced concerns about me getting back in to fitness. I’m not narrow minded so I can see exactly why they would be concerned. They watched me slowly disappear and become a shell of who I was, so to hear me talk about exercise may appear to them as warning bells of old behaviours returning.

However, they now understand completely and have seen a gradual but significant change in my mind set. I no longer exercise to ‘punish’ myself. I exercise because it makes me feel good and it allows me to celebrate what my body can do!

Of course nobody has waved a magic wand and got rid of any disordered thoughts- I still have to battle with them on a regular basis. However I’m getting much better at challenging them and going against them. I’m now able to recognise when my thoughts are telling me I HAVE to workout to be able to eat. When this happens, I push to avoid exercise and eat exactly what I wanted. If I was to give in and follow through on these thoughts, I’d be allowing them to get stronger and stronger- so instead I’m the one becoming stronger.

If I wake up tired and not fancying the gym- I won’t go. If I go for a run and have to keep stopping I’ll still go home feeling good about my self and my food intake won’t change. I’m by no means perfect and still sometimes get what I call ‘resting guilt’ but I didn’t come this far to only come this far. So I continue to challenge it. I promised my self earlier this year that I wanted to measure the year in smiles and memories not calories and pounds. I don’t ever weigh myself- I no longer exercise to be a certain weight- I do it because it’s something I enjoy and that’s a statement I’ve not been able to say in a long time.  It also helps that I’ve developed a love of cooking – getting creative in the kitchen makes it all a lot more fun!

So ultimately, why do I love fitness so much? Well, my trainers turn my cant’s in to cans, my frustrations in to achievements and my stress in to happiness. Pretty good trainers eh!?

 

Both running and weight lifting benefit me physically in becoming fitter, stronger and support me to becoming the healthiest I can be. However, the benefits mentally outweigh the physical by far. Fitness teaches me that I can carry on even when my minds telling me I can’t, it makes me stronger, happier and more mindful than I could begin to explain.

Not only that but my fitness keeps me on track with my food intake- which again I’m not claiming to be any where near perfect at- but it’s a working progress! Fitness has become far more important to me than starving. I used to sit worrying that I’d eaten too much- now I sit worrying that I’ve not eaten enough!! The table has turned and I cant begin to explain how good it feels. I put a constant effort in to make sure I’m fuelling my body enough so that I am able to workout and do the things that I love.

Last year fitness was the enemy- my eating disorder may as well of handcuffed me to my most hated cardio machines in the gym- it made me cancel plans and avoid social occasions so I didn’t ‘fall off track’ and my life was completely consumed by ‘clean eating’. Right now, fitness is just a part of my life- I choose coffee with friends, birthday parties, cocktails, days out over it many of times but I also make time for it because why would I not when it makes me feel so good?

 

The message I want to get across from this post is that fitness is huge all over social media and the media in general- I think it’s great that so many of us are passionate about health and wellbeing and looking after our bodies. Just please remember that there is a fine line between passion and obsession- avoid the term ‘clean eating’ because please… the only time a food is dirty is when you drop it on the floor!!! It’s so easy to become sucked in by some of the unhealthy messages online- just remember that life is all about balance and there is so much more to life than being a certain weight.

As for me, I’m falling back in love with fitness and it’s slowly but surely getting back to being my therapy rather than my enemy. Now excuse me why I go and demolish some eggs…. And I’m talking about the Cadbury kind!!!

Happy Easter x

 

A new chapter

When I sit and think back- mainly to 2016, I have so many mixed emotions. I’m angry and devastated that once again mental illness came and took over my life. I’m frustrated that it took so much precious time from me as well as pushing those around me away. I’m disappointed that I believed the thoughts inside my head and gave in to them time and time again. I’m sad that while most friends were going out and living their life, I was sat at home feeling shit not knowing how much longer I could cling on. I was jealous that my friends would go out for cake and hot chocolates and I could barely drink a skinny latte without being riddled with guilt about the calorie and fat content.  All of these negative feelings towards the year are just some of a very long list. But were there any positives? Of course there were.

I gained people in my life that stepped up above and beyond to support me, encourage me, love me and more than anything fight for me, even when I stopped fighting for myself. These people never once walked away or gave up on me although I’d already given up on myself. They loved me until I could see that I was worth loving and fought for me until I could see that I was worth fighting for. Those people are still by my side and are very much family to me.

Some say that you have to experience the bad to appreciate the good. That statement used to mean nothing to me but now comes with so much meaning. Things that we naturally take for granted have become so important to me and it means I cherish them more. These things can include somebody making me laugh, a coffee & catch up with a friend, the sun being out or even just a simple smile from somebody. When you’ve spent so much time in complete darkness, these cracks of light mean more to you than you could ever know- and I will always value them.

2016 made me realise how weak I could be but also how strong I can be. When you come so close to giving up but manage to fight your way through it- you realise you underestimated your strength. There’s a few quotes flying around about how tough you have to be to fight with your mind every single day and when you sit back and think about it, its true. My demons weren’t another person or situation, they were and still are to some extent in my head and there’s not a single day that goes by when they don’t show up. To challenge and fight that can be exhausting and I would never give my self credit for it- but as I’m on my journey through recovery I’m starting to allow myself to feel proud. Proud that I’m still here, still fighting and aiming towards a future.

And lastly its taught me that nobody can do it for you. If you want something- there’s only you that can do it. Yes we need support and people and things around us help, but ultimately nobody can save you until you make the decision to save yourself. This applies to mental health but is a lesson I can use in all forms of life. We all have dreams and ambitions and instead of waiting for them to happen I’ve realised that I am the only one that can make them happen! I’ve learnt that lifes too short to settle in unhappiness due to the fear of change- you can do whatever, whenever and you can be the person YOU choose to be. We all know I’m a huge fan of the saying ‘the most important project you can ever work on is yourself’. During my relapse last year it completely stripped me from everything I was and has left me not knowing who the heck I am. Instead of wallowing about that I’m using it as a positive to become the person I want to be and hopefully ill find myself somewhere on the way.

So what do I want from the rest of 2017? Instead of writing a long essay about my goals (I think you’ve probably read enough of my ranting already!) Ultimately I want to focus this year on my recovery and becoming the best version of myself ..as soon as ive figured out who that is of course!!! I want to measure this year in smiles and memories not calories and pounds. I know my mental illness wont ever truly go away but I want to learn to live with it- rather than suffer from it. I want to accept the bad days as lessons and cherish every second of the good days!

I want this blog post to mark the beginning of a new chapter on this blog- as I step away from constant mental health related posts. I want to use this as a platform to log my recovery but also to log my memories, passions and adventures along the way. After all, I am not my mental illness- there is so much more to me than my struggles.

The Power Of 'Me Too'

Writing is and always has been very important to me- growing up as a girl with a huge imagination, I loved putting pen to paper and allowing a story to unfold. As I’ve got older and things have changed my passion for writing has never left, however, instead of writing far fetched stories about characters I’d made up- I now write about myself, my thoughts, ideas, opinions…my story.

Why? Of course my reasons behind this include the fact that its therapeutic, being a person that finds it very difficult to open up, writing is a perfect way of offloading. It means I wouldn’t have to answer to the paper or worry that it understood me. So why a blog? Why put my deepest thoughts, my opinions, my often difficult story online for all to see?

I hesitantly started my blog quite a while back to log my recovery from mental illness, however it’s been a couple of months since I’ve posted. Reason being? I started to worry about all of the same things that stop me from opening up in my day to day life. What if people reading it didn’t understand? Is my story really worth talking about? The time off has given me plenty of time to think, reflect and challenge these thoughts and the answer? Yes I SHOULD continue to write my blog. The truth is that no one can understand if they don’t know. If people with mental illness never spoke out NOBODY would understand- how could they? Mental illness happens… It’s a huge part of my life as well as thousands of others. It’s just saddening that there is still a stigma to fight. If more people that struggle spoke out it would be much easier for people to be aware. It would also be less isolating for a person struggling.
So yes, my story & journey to recovery IS worth sharing, as it’s another voice telling a difficult story and turning it in to something positive by sharing it to support others going through similar things and to raise awareness/educate those around us.

One thing that motivates me to blog more than anything is the power of ‘me too’. Being unwell with a mental illness can be the most scary and isolating thing in the world. When I was most unwell I would spend hours searching online, reading blogs and forums. To read that someone is going through something similar to you- wether it’s something that they think, a behaviour that they do or just their situation in general… to see this and be able to think ‘me too’ is the most comforting thing in the world at a time when you feel so alone and misunderstood. To know that what you’re going through isnt ‘just you’ and to read peoples journey as they fight similar battles is honestly the most motivating and reassuring things. It fights your hopelessness and allows you to see that it’s possible.

 

Therefore I will continue to blog my way through recovery, both the highs and the lows as well as all of the glimpses of life I get in between. I’ll do it to help myself and hopefully to help others too.

So for all of you out there that struggle from mental illness- please know that you are not alone. There are many of us working hard to fight each day towards recovery. And please, don’t ever be afraid to speak out because who knows in the process of helping yourself- your story may just inspire others too.

Recovery

I like to compare recovery to being on the road- heading somewhere. You are aware that it’s going to be a really long journey and it is likely that there will be obstacles to make the trip more difficult but that doesn’t mean they don’t overwhelm or shock you when they occur. These obstacles could be anything from long traffic where you feel like you just aren’t moving forward to closed roads where you have to take a different route. The point is to keep going- no matter how difficult the journey is or how many times you feel that you can’t continue, it’s about remembering how much you need to get to the destination and all the positives that will come from you getting there.

Linking this in to my current situation for the last couple of months I have experienced some huge obstacles, some of which made me feel like giving up and almost certain that I would never reach where I’m heading. My thoughts and moods have dragged me down and consequently my lack of motivation has kept me at a standstill. I’ve found functioning in day to day life extremely hard and being completely honest I can’t recall a week where I’ve not had some form of meltdown. This explains why my blog has been neglected for a good while- It’s not that I haven’t wanted to write, its one of my favourite things to do, I guess I’ve just not been in the right frame of mind and my thoughts got the better of me. This has caused me to have to take a new route down my road to recovery in the form of different types of support, medication and coping strategies. I’m back on my mission to get back in control, put myself back in the driving seat and be in charge of the direction I’m heading instead of the thoughts, feelings and anxiety making the decisions for me.

 

One thing I can say though is I’ve done my very best and fought to not turn around and go back. I’ve been determined to not let myself go completely backwards by missing meals or falling in to any other previous behaviours. This is massively important and no, I haven’t been perfect but I’ve certainly put up a good fight and that’s exactly what I’ll continue to do. So yes, I may be at a bit of a standstill, I may have to keep trying different routes and yes I feel exhausted and out of my depth but I will keep going and I will carry on my journey to recovery because I know just how worth it it will be. I know I’m heading to a place where I can live a happy and positive life where I’m fully in control of my mental illness rather than it being in control of me. The process until then may feel tough and I may not always be able to find the positives but overall it’s making me a stronger person and is contributing to the person I’ll be at the other side of the struggles.

I’m going to do my best to stay on top of the blog and keep writing, so keep checking back for future posts. To any readers who are experiencing similar struggles please remember that no matter how tough the journey- you will get to the other end, it’s just about believing it and never giving up.

 

October 2017

The start of a new month!

Hello October!  I can’t believe how quickly the months are coming and going! I’m pretty excited for this month for a few reasons, most importantly, if I’m really honest Autumn/winter is probably my favourite time of the year- there’s nothing better than cosy jumpers, long walks, snuggly nights in and of course the build up to Christmas!! It’s also important to me in other ways- most of this year has passed me by in a complete blur of being unwell, I feel like for the majority of it I’ve just existed. Well… not anymore! As you all know I’m on a mission to get my life back and I’m determined to not let this illness steal any more time from me.

You all know by now I’m all for a bit of goal setting. I believe that in order to achieve and motivate ourselves to meet long term goals, we need to be working towards smaller ones along the way.

In a previous post I wrote a few goals that I’d like to achieve in the month of September, so let’s see how I did…

-Enjoy my holiday; If you’ve read my previous posts you will know that this holiday was a much bigger challenge than I’d imagined. I was completely out of my comfort zone, completely out of routine and to be really honest, I was completely out of my depth. However, I went. Yes there were times that I really struggled and broke down but there were also times where I laughed and genuinely felt happy to be in such a beautiful place. No matter how hard it was I was able to stand on a beautiful beach in Italy, the sun pounding down on me whilst looking at the most beautiful views- something at many points this year I thought I would never be able to do again.

- Make plans; As mentioned on my September post, I would love to make plans to see more of the world and this still stands. No official plans have been made, no flights been booked but I’m still aiming high and pushing myself out of my comfort zone with smaller plans such as going out with friends. Taking it all one step at a time, but heading in the right direction!

-Spend more time on me; I feel I can give myself a big pat on the back for this one! This month I’ve spent more time than I ever have on myself. From lazy nights in bed watching boxsets to long bubble baths with a good book- I’ve took time out for myself and feel a lot better for it. I’m not saying I do this all the time and there is definitely room for improvement but on the whole, I’ve pretty much nailed this one!

-Save money; I’m not gonna lie I’m still not great with money however I have opened a savings account this month and managed to save a good amount of money for the month! Onwards and Upwards!

 

 

So what this month?

Firstly, I’d like to continue to do some of the previous ones. I want to carry on having the much needed ‘me time’ and of course do my best to save money! As well as this I’d also like to;

-Get back in to the things I love; This is quite a broad one but things such as long walks, cooking new recipes, running, fitness in general.. I want to try to get in to a routine with and reintroduce to my life. Of course I have to be extremely careful especially with the fitness part but as long as I’m honest with myself and people around me, there’s no reason why I can’t do the things I love.

-Say YES more; I’ve mostly always been a no girl. People would ask me to go places and do different things and my answer 9 times out of 10 would be no, I’d stay well placed in my little comfort zone. Obviously there have been times this year where I had to say no for not being well enough to do some things, but this month I aim to chuck myself out of the comfort zone and say yes more. Who knows, I might just enjoy it.

-Finally, keep blogging! I’ve always loved writing and found it the perfect way for me to vent or offload and it’s my creative therapy! It’s been an ambition of mine for a long time to have a blog and I’m really enjoying it. So this month I aim to blog as much as possible and about all different things. To think that I could be reaching out and helping even one of you, makes it more than worthwhile!

So, get setting your goals for October! What is it that you want to achieve?