When I sit and think back- mainly to 2016, I have so many
mixed emotions. I’m angry and devastated that once again mental illness came
and took over my life. I’m frustrated that it took so much precious time from
me as well as pushing those around me away. I’m disappointed that I believed
the thoughts inside my head and gave in to them time and time again. I’m sad
that while most friends were going out and living their life, I was sat at home
feeling shit not knowing how much longer I could cling on. I was jealous that
my friends would go out for cake and hot chocolates and I could barely drink a
skinny latte without being riddled with guilt about the calorie and fat
content. All of these negative feelings
towards the year are just some of a very long list. But were there any positives?
Of course there were.
I gained people in my life that stepped up above and beyond
to support me, encourage me, love me and more than anything fight for me, even
when I stopped fighting for myself. These people never once walked away or gave
up on me although I’d already given up on myself. They loved me until I could
see that I was worth loving and fought for me until I could see that I was
worth fighting for. Those people are still by my side and are very much family
to me.
Some say that you have to experience the bad to appreciate
the good. That statement used to mean nothing to me but now comes with so much
meaning. Things that we naturally take for granted have become so important to
me and it means I cherish them more. These things can include somebody making
me laugh, a coffee & catch up with a friend, the sun being out or even just
a simple smile from somebody. When you’ve spent so much time in complete
darkness, these cracks of light mean more to you than you could ever know- and
I will always value them.
2016 made me realise how weak I could be but also how strong
I can be. When you come so close to giving up but manage to fight your way
through it- you realise you underestimated your strength. There’s a few quotes
flying around about how tough you have to be to fight with your mind every
single day and when you sit back and think about it, its true. My demons
weren’t another person or situation, they were and still are to some extent in
my head and there’s not a single day that goes by when they don’t show up. To
challenge and fight that can be exhausting and I would never give my self
credit for it- but as I’m on my journey through recovery I’m starting to allow
myself to feel proud. Proud that I’m still here, still fighting and aiming towards
a future.
And lastly its taught me that nobody can do it for you. If
you want something- there’s only you that can do it. Yes we need support and
people and things around us help, but ultimately nobody can save you until you
make the decision to save yourself. This applies to mental health but is a
lesson I can use in all forms of life. We all have dreams and ambitions and
instead of waiting for them to happen I’ve realised that I am the only one that
can make them happen! I’ve learnt that lifes too short to settle in unhappiness
due to the fear of change- you can do whatever, whenever and you can be the
person YOU choose to be. We all know I’m a huge fan of the saying ‘the most
important project you can ever work on is yourself’. During my relapse last
year it completely stripped me from everything I was and has left me not
knowing who the heck I am. Instead of wallowing about that I’m using it as a
positive to become the person I want to be and hopefully ill find myself
somewhere on the way.
So what do I want from the rest of 2017? Instead of writing
a long essay about my goals (I think you’ve probably read enough of my ranting
already!) Ultimately I want to focus this year on my recovery and becoming the
best version of myself ..as soon as ive figured out who that is of course!!! I
want to measure this year in smiles and memories not calories and pounds. I
know my mental illness wont ever truly go away but I want to learn to live with
it- rather than suffer from it. I want to accept the bad days as lessons and
cherish every second of the good days!
I want this blog post to mark the beginning of a new
chapter on this blog- as I step away from constant mental health related posts.
I want to use this as a platform to log my recovery but also to log my
memories, passions and adventures along the way. After all, I am not my mental
illness- there is so much more to me than my struggles.
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