Self-reflection in Sardinia.
I’m writing this as I’ve just
returned from my week long holiday in Sardinia, Italy. As mentioned on a
previous post, it was my first holiday of the year due to not being well enough
to travel previously.
I always knew the holiday was going
to be a challenge but felt determined to make the most of it and have a much
needed break. It was a beautiful, picturesque place with the most perfect views
it was almost surreal. I was realistic from day one and knew that I couldn’t take
a holiday from my head- therefore expected that there would be days worse than
others but I’d just ride through them and make the most of the positives.
Food wise I managed to push myself on many
occasions to join in with the family and have an ice-cream or even order pasta for dinner…but
for everyone around those were just simple decisions. They fancied pasta- they
ordered it, ate it and enjoyed it and then carried on with their evening. My situation
was very different- the anxiety, worry, planning and overall thought that had
to go through my mind before even ordering the dish was extremely overwhelming.
I would keep a strong mind, determined not to let the illness win. I ate the
meal and then spent the evening riddled with guilt thinking about how I can
compensate for having it. I can’t explain how much I’d love to see food as
food- rather than a big focus and something that currently controls my mood for
the rest of the day. At home I admit I rarely push myself out of my comfort zone and tend to keep it pretty safe, therefore I had almost forgot just how difficult it actually is.
Another big struggle for me
is the fact that I’m most comfortable in my own company. Just lately being out
in public is such a challenge, I somehow manage to convince myself that
everyone is starting at me, talking about me and judging me. This was a problem
as I was in a hotel in the middle of nowhere… the most space I could get was
going for little walks or going for a swim (there’s only so much of those you
can do in a week).I'm aware that this is all part of the illness, I know it’s comfortable to stay in my comfort zone & only eat ‘safe’ foods. However recovery is all about pushing out of these, battling the guilt and trying to rationalise with myself. Some days it feels like the hardest thing in the world because every inch of me makes me feel like doing the complete opposite but the little glimpses of positives and of living make the struggle worthwhile.
Just being away gave me a lot of thinking time- I realised how much focus I put on food. I actually don’t think I know the core of my illness. I know that I use food as a way to seek control when my head feels like its flying off my shoulders, but how much of all of this is actually about food? For example, I know realistically that I would look better and healthier with a little more weight but as soon as I start gaining I freak out and feel like I’ve lost all control. I feel like I’m stuck in a vicious circle and I’m desperately trying to clutch my way out of it. I’ve had different possible diagnoses thrown at me throughout the years but so far nothing has ever been definite. I guess it’s a long process and I’m just at the start but I feel in order to get well I need to start to understand.
This post may seem like a negative one but trust me the positives outweigh the negatives. Less than 6 months ago I can honestly say I didn’t think I would have been here or I’d of been admitted to hospital- I saw no way out of my illness and every day was a huge struggle. So the fact that I’ve put so much in to recovery and actually went on holiday to somewhere completely new and out of my comfort zone, ate foods that I would never usually even look at and walked around a hotel complex in my bikini … I’m pretty impressed with myself. I’m not saying any of those things were easy and I’m not going to lie and say they didn’t come with anxiety and a thousand different thoughts…but I did them, not matter how hard it was or how unachievable they felt, I did them. There are so many times where I have sat saying ‘I can’t do it’ and times like this prove that no matter what situation we’re in or how bad things seem, every time we push ourselves or challenge ourselves we are one step closer to living a life that makes us happy rather than suffering.
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