I’m going to start this post off by holding my hands up and
admitting I’m not the best at communicating the way that I feel. Honestly, how
many of us are?
If I had a penny for every time I replied with ‘I’m just
tired’ when someone asks me what’s wrong… I’m pretty sure I’d be writing this post
from one of many villas across the world with millions of pounds in the bank!
Am I the only person? Definitely not. I’m sure its something all of you have
done in the past- sometimes we even do it without realising. So why? What is it
that stops us from answering honestly? There are so many reasons that could be
different for every person or circumstances- a few of them might include;
-
I don’t want that person knowing my business
-
I don’t want to be seen as weak or dramatic
-
Once I admit there’s something wrong and say it
out loud- its definite
-
If I say it, I may show my emotions- I might cry
-
That person has enough going on in their life,
my problem will seem silly
-
Once I tell them, they’ll constantly be asking
me questions
The list could go on for pages and pages! The problem is
that each of the above slowly contribute to you building a barrier that
seperates you from other people. The more you try to deal with things on your
own, the higher the barrier gets until it almost becomes impossible for you to
speak about personal things or the way that you feel. This is a problem!
At the end of the day, no one can help you unless you help
yourself… I know- we’ve heard that 1000 times but its beyond true…trust me, I
know! Helping yourself can be as simple as telling someone how you feel or
what’s going on for you.
Sometimes we shut things off so often that we find it hard
to even know how we feel ourselves. For example, if someone asks you why you’re
so queit or how you are feeling – how many times have you responded with …. ‘I
just feel like rubbish’. How can a person help with that? What is rubbish? Are
you angry, sad, disappointed, shocked, upset? And whichever one or more of them
it is, why? What’s made you feel that way? Is it because of a situation? What
have you been thinking about? Evaluate how you feel and why! If we’re getting
technical, this is what you call being emotional intelligent which then allows
you to use emotional literacy…. Basically its being aware of how you feel and
being able to tell somebody.
We all like to think that we’re super humans that can handle
just about anything that life throws at us without needing a single person.
Truth is, we can’t – it just makes life a whole lot more difficult for
yourself. Our perception of ‘strong’ has become distorted, many of us-
including my self develop the belief that being strong is staying queit about
things and managing it all- but actually, strength is being able to admit what
your feeling and seek help. You’re fighting for yourself, rather than giving in
to the emotions and letting them take over.
We all pipe on about stigma and people not understanding
mental illness, I even talk about it myself. The truth is though, how can we
expect stigma to reduce and people to understand if we don’t help them to
understand by speaking out and telling them? No one is a mind reader. When I was
in the depth of my eating disorder and was cancelling plans with friends, I’d
tell them I was too tired to go or didn’t feel like it- wouldn’t it have been a
lot more beneficial for me to say the truth? To say that actually the thought
of sitting in a restaurant or coffee shop terrified me and I was scared that I’d
freak out or be too overwhelmed. They may have offered to do something else or
just reassure me that they understood and would support me and help me to
overcome it? But instead I lied, I made them feel like I couldn’t be bothered
to spend time with them- so I avoided social events, so much so that going
anywhere became a bigger and bigger challenge. Therefore, I became more and
more isolated.
This post is aimed at everyone. You don’t need to suffer or
have suffered from mental distress for this to apply to you. We all have things
that we struggle with and lets face it sometimes life throws some obstacles at
us. Keeping our thoughts and feelings to ourselves generally just makes the
problem bigger and harder to deal with.
My barriers got so high that I became isolated, I no longer
knew how to let people in build relationships with them. This has meant I’ve
lost many people by simply pushing them away and leading them to believe that I
don’t care about them or want them in my life. The actual truth is, my sky high
barrier meant it was almost impossible for me to do this. The most simple thing
of communication became so foreign to me. I’d even find it hard to hold
conversations with people I live with, people I’ve spent my whole life growing
up with.
I’m not saying that people will always understand or that
they’ll have all the answers for you- but a problem shared is a problem halved,
right? Sometimes we don’t need a person to tell us what to do but just being
able to say it aloud can help us to rationalise – and quite often we only see
things from our own perspective, another person can help you to see things in
so many different ways. Without these conversations our perception of a
situation feels like fact. We allow ourselves to struggle.
Like I said at the beginning of the post, I’m by no means
perfect at this communication thing. Actually, I’m pretty far from it. Although
the difference now is, I’ve learnt just how important it is. I’m slowly
learning to push out of my comfort zone and talk about things. In the past, the
only way I knew how to show how I feel was through my eating disorder, through
harming and slowly destroying my self. I’ve learnt the hard way, but I’m
learning to let people in, to talk about my feelings, the things that I think
and situations that worry or upset me. My barriers are slowly crumbling down
and it’s by no means easy but I can honestly say its beyond worth it.
Life can be extremely isolating when you are stuck behind a
barrier of your struggles- we need people. Life is so much more enjoyable when
you can build relationships with people, share amazing memories, give and receive
support and ultimately when you can be a person that shares your lows, highs
and everything in between. Nobody should hide their true self- you deserve to
be seen exactly how you are. If you’re worried that people will judge you, just
remember; those that matter won’t mind- they’ll accept you for all your good
and bad- but those that do mind shouldn’t matter.
So next time you’re feeling low or struggling- start to ask
yourself why. Talk to somebody and let them in, let them support you! It won’t
happen overnight but it’s the most worthwhile thing you can do.
K x
