Comparing my 2016 to my 2017 so far…
When I think back to last year, I can honestly say it was
one of the toughest years I’ve experienced. Consumed by mental illness, my days
were filled with despair and there were many times that I doubted I would ever
get better. I was trapped in the grips of anorexia, focusing each day on just
how little I could eat- nothing else came close to mattering. I was both
physically and mentally drained and was becoming weaker each day. I built a
barrier around my self, blocking most family and friends out. I watched people
around me worry and it tore me apart, but all I could do was continue to punish
my self. After weeks of collapsing and
struggling to even get up the stairs, I was sent off work- my entire days
revolved around my illness and it had convinced me that I could never be
without it. With out going too much in depth, my illness almost lost me every
thing- it almost cost me my life.
Fast foreward to this year, and things have slowly but
surely improved. I started therapy through the NHS, which forced me to break
down my barriers and talk about thoughts and beliefs I’ve carried with me for
years. I slowly broke out of my comfort zone to challenge these and create a
whole new outlook.
In May, I went on a family holiday. It was the first in a
long time that involved no conflict or crippling anxiety around food and
routine. Instead, I felt in control. I enjoyed amazing meals, cocktails and of
course ice creams, but most importantly I created lifelong family memories.
Shortly after that I ran Chester half marathon to raise
money for a local mental health charity. Growing up running was one of my
biggest passions, so it was the best feeling to be able to work towards this.
My body was fuelled and healthy enough to complete this (in a good time, if I say
so my self!) and I loved every second.
The remainder of the summer was spent with friends; eating
ice creams, enjoying nights out and making amazing memories. I went to V
festival, had the best time seeing some of my favourite artists and what’s
better than sitting in the middle of a field sharing pizza with your bestie!?
I’ve also got back in to my love of the gym. If you’ve read
my previous posts you will know fitness is up there with my passions. I’ve
recently started training with a personal trainer and can’t get enough of it!
Long gone are the days of slogging it out on a treadmill, I’m lifting heavier
every week and love seeing my body grow and get stronger each session- along with my mind!
And… last but certainly not least! I’m heading out to Bali
for my first ever solo adventure next month! I’ve always loved travelling and
cannot wait to get out there to explore.Realistically it's not all perfect, because lets face it, does that exist? I still have bad days & weeks. I over-think, have panic attacks, have days where I just want to cry and I convince my self I’m not good enough- when these happen I’m my own worst critic and even manage to beat my self up for ‘not being good at recovery’. The point is recovery is not linear and actually, when I look back, it’s amazing to see how far I’ve come. I can now honestly say that I live life and enjoy it. I would never change my experience, it’s taught me I that I am stronger than I believe and it’s made me grateful for the most simplest things. It’s motivated me to go after any thing I want to achieve. It allows me to thrive in my job supporting young people’s mental health and it allows me to make a difference.
I'm proud of my journey far, I no longer measure my self worth or life in food or numbers. Instead, it's measured in smiles, laughter, adventures and memories that last a life time.
So remember, sometimes it’s ok to look back. As long as it’s to empower you to continue moving forward.
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